listen to what i'm not saying

Don't be fooled by me, don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask, thousands of mask, the mask that i am afraid to take off; and none of them was me.

I give you the impression that I'm secure, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one. But don't believe me please.

My surface may seem smooth.. Beneath I dwell in confusion, in fear, in aloneness. But I hide this. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically create a mood to hide behind a nonchalant sophisticated facade to shield me from the glance that knows. But such glance is my salvation and I know it.

It's the only thing that can assure me of my acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, laugh can kill me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a facade of assurance without a trembling child within. and so my life becomes a front. I idly chatter to you in the suave surface tones. I tell you everything of nothing and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me. So when i go into my routine, do not be fooled of what i'm saying. Please listen carefully and hear what i'm not saying.

I dislike the superficial phony game I'm playing, I'd like to be genuine, spontaneous and me, you've got to hold out your hand even if it seems to be the last thing that I seem to want or need, only you who can call me into aliveness. Each time you're kind and gentle and encouraging, each time you try to understand becuse you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very feeble wings.

I want you to know how important you are to me. how you can be a creator of a person that is me if you choose to. but it will not be easy for you. A long conviction and worthlessness builds strong walls.

The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back. It is irrational. but despite of what the books say about man, I am irrational. I fight against the very things i cry out for but i am told love is stronger than walls, and therein lies my hope. please try to bring down those firm walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands, for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well, I am every man and woman you meet.

LAKAS noh? got this piece from my drawer, can't remember who wrote it.. thought of placing it here, well.. believe it or not, got the mood to fix my messy table, i get to be domesticated once in an while but that field alone, cleaning my desk no more no less.